I’m writing this inside my office of my new job. The one I’ve spent years preparing for, actually, the one I quit my well paying job for to come here instead and work for free. So maybe I shouldn’t call it a job, because at the end of the day, I’m not getting paid. But that’s not the reason I’m crying in my office of my new job, this is.

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This might be hard to understand if you’re the kind of person who let’s thing roll of your back, but I never have and never will be one of those lucky people. Ask my boyfriend, hell, ask any of my exboyfriends. Small things get to me, in the way that I pretend to be okay and push forward, only to have on tiny misstep shatter me. So I’m sitting here crying at my new shiny desk, because I just can’t let this morning’s events roll off my back.

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Years of school coupled with months of planning for this new position means it’s currently the most important thing in my life right now, outside of my friends and furry best friend. Everyone has expectations of how their first day will go, from who they will eat with at lunch to how well received they’ll be by the staff. In my case, those things stopped mattering to me after my second job in the city. I’m a little more worried about whether my clients are getting quality care and if I’m breaking any ethical codes. Regardless, I like small things to go my way, which is why I’m always twenty minutes early to everything and prefer for everything to start on time, or twenty minutes early. This morning I arrived on time, with my office number in hand and ready to log into the system and see my scheduled meetings for the day. Problem number one? There was no office 2032. “No biggie,” I thought, I’ll just ask reception. Problem number two? Reception doesn’t know of that office or who the hell I am. Okay, understandable, I’ll call my actual boss. And here’s the kicker, everyone I report to has started their day, meaning they are in client meetings for the next hour or more, sending me further into my spiral of despair. For the next hour I sat in the waiting room, frantically emailing everyone I knew, trying to figure out how to get into any office to start my meetings for the day. Did I mention there were at least two screaming babies next to me, because there were, and if you know me at all you know I spend very minimal amounts of time with children. In other words the sound of a crying baby doesn’t bring out the feelings evolution was supposed to ingrain in me.

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Over an hour later someone finally manages to find me an open office, is this my office, I’m not really sure. At this point though I’ll take any room with a door and the promise of it being soundproof to break down in for a few minutes. And that everyone, is how my first day of work went. Yes I could have sucked it up and no it wasn’t the end of the world, but for something that I’ve been planning for for the past two and a half years, this is not how I imagined it turning out. There are no real tips to this story and for now I don’t have a solution on how to pick yourself back up on those bad days where you rather train back home and pretend none of this ever happened, but then again I never claimed to have all the answers to our problems. Maybe tomorrow will be better, if not, then you can expect a post on creative places to have breakdowns at work in the coming weeks.

Have you ever cried at work, school, or some other important place? As morbid as it sounds I’d love to know I’m not the only one that has trouble controlling my emotions in public spaces…